October 27, 2019

Sunday, October 27, 2019: The day that changed my complete outlook on life. After telling the family on October 13th and 15th then Facebook world on October 16th that we were adding to the A's, after many many months of trying; 11 days later I woke up to cramps and other things I won't go into detail about. I held back tears praying my body was not doing what I thought it was. My sister, whom had gone through this just a little over a year prior was with and tried hard to help me think that everything would be okay. We were in Marquette, MI so I didn't contact a doctor, still in complete shock. I tried so hard to hold back the tears but failed and bawled my eyes out on my mothers shoulders. Adam and the girls were back at home, I was lost, scared and sad. Thankfully my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law and niece were there to help me through the very painful morning. When I got home I held it together to not scare the girls who were very excited about having a baby brother or sister. Adam and I argued, he didn't understand what I was going mentally and emotionally.

I spent the entire morning on Monday just crying and crying especially after getting my blood drawn to see what my hCG levels were and determine what was going on. Visited the doctor on Monday afternoon and he reassured me that this was happening because it was bound to from the beginning and nothing I did. Of course I thought it was my fault. Why else would my body be rejecting this baby? Clearly, I did something wrong. Dr. said, do not do that to yourself, when miscarriages happen early in pregnancy, it is 99% of the time because the cells did not form correctly right from conception. That made me feel better. I spent the rest of Monday trying to figure out how to tell the girls. That was what broke my heart the most. How were they going to react? How do I explain that there is no longer a baby growing in my belly? I was terrified. Once Adam got home from work and the girls were all settled in after school, I sat them down and explained that something happened in Mom's body that decided it didn't want to be pregnant and wasn't ready for the baby. They both took it well with very few questions. Adam had to go to a fire dept meeting. Soon after he left, Ali came to me and just cried with me saying she was sorry. It was heartbreaking. 

Okay...that's enough for tonight. Just going to start randomly blogging again about randomness! I mean, why not!?!

Side note: I didn't really re-read this post and edit....just typed what was in my head!