Trying to Live the American Dream

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Feeling anxious is a normal emotion. Feeling anxious all the time about normal events and situations is not normal and considered a disorder. My feelings of anxiety really started when I went to college. First off, I cried basically every day for the first two months. I had a horrible roommate who was out partying all night and slept all day. She went to class maybe twice a week. Eventually she got suspended. In my second semester I moved in with a girl I graduated high school with so that was much more comforting. She helped me meet new friends. I was so insecure and introverted that I was not going to just start talking to folks and make friends! I definitely wish I was more out spoken and not so insecure at that time in my life but that is how I had always been. Always worrying what others thought of me and making sure I was always pleasing eve...

Hobby's....we all have them, right?! Well....I am not sure if I really have one. Before kids, I just went with the flow, enjoyed reading but wasn't in love with it. I did what others did. I was a follower and a hard worker. I worked and worked. I put all my passion into my work. I got married and had kids. I put all of my effort into my girls and work. I felt like being a busy body was a good thing and that was my hobby. I was always finding something random to do. I rarely did anything for myself and was always doing something for someone else.  I finally decided to make 2019 my year; focus on me and being more in the moment. I feel like I did a very good job at seriously trying to separate home life from work. I dedicated more time to just my girls and husband in the evening (if you count falling asleep on the couch quality time). I removed unnecessary stress from my daily life. Yes, I still stress about situations and such but not like I used to. I have become more accepti...

Wrote in the morning on 3/19/20: January 2020 rolled around and no luck getting pregnant again. I got my period and I cried. I was a failure. My body wasn't working right. I got pregnant with Ali and Andi within two weeks of going off the pill. Why is this so difficult now? Am I too old? Is there a reason I am not supposed to have another? What is God trying to tell me? Adam and I are both planners and don't really enjoy the uncertainty. We wanted to plan our family vacation and other fun getaways. Not knowing if or when I would get pregnant was becoming more of a burden rather than something to look forward to. I was just down and sad. Adam and I talked it out a couple times and finally decided that it just isn't meant to be. We have tried three times over the last four years and now with the miscarriage I just isn't going to happen.  We decided to focus on the two beautiful girls we have now and devote our hearts to them and each other. Two months later and I am ...

The emotional and mental strain was discouraging. I didn't want to be so angry and frustrated, but I was. The weekend of the miscarriage, my husband and two girls (8 and 6) were up north cutting down cedar trees and peeling them to dry to make a baby crib. Having to tell my two girls that they couldn't help build a crib because there was no baby was not something I could easily get over. It is March and the cedar trees are still drying out at my in-laws. It still hurts me. I hid a lot of my feelings. I don't do well with expressing them and I needed to continue on with life. I was hurting but I couldn't let it stop my life. I had a husband, two girls, a job, family, etc that needed me. I couldn't dwell on it. I had to stay strong and positive. We can't dwell on the negative. We must accept and continue on. That is what I wanted to teach my girls. We are tough and need to always continue to move forward. On Monday, October 28, I was determined that I was neve...

The amount of support I received during this tough time was incredible. My friend going out of her way to give me a hug on her way to work (and she is not a hugger). My mom driving from DePere to Krakow just to come have lunch with me. The extremely kind and supportive words from my other friend. A super nice text from my brother-in-law telling me about his experience. A box of goodies from another brother and sister-in-law. Breakfast and flowers from two co-workers who wanted to make sure I wasn't starving myself. A necklace from my sister telling me I will get through it. On that Monday the 28th, I was determined I was not going to get over this. I was just devastated and sad, completely exhausted....all of our trying and excitement was just taken away in a few hours. My sister was my rock. She is stronger than anyone I know. She had been through this and knew I would be just fine. Everything happens for a reason. I still struggle with figuring out the reason but firmly believe i...

Sunday, October 27, 2019: The day that changed my complete outlook on life. After telling the family on October 13th and 15th then Facebook world on October 16th that we were adding to the A's, after many many months of trying; 11 days later I woke up to cramps and other things I won't go into detail about. I held back tears praying my body was not doing what I thought it was. My sister, whom had gone through this just a little over a year prior was with and tried hard to help me think that everything would be okay. We were in Marquette, MI so I didn't contact a doctor, still in complete shock. I tried so hard to hold back the tears but failed and bawled my eyes out on my mothers shoulders. Adam and the girls were back at home, I was lost, scared and sad. Thankfully my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law and niece were there to help me through the very painful morning. When I got home I held it together to not scare the girls who were very excited about having a baby brother o...